Sep 29, 2011 / 344 notes

East Carolinian Releases Outrageous Column on ‘Birth Control’

yeah.  NOT A JOKE.

The Unedited Version….
SECTION: Opinion
WRITER: Ben Cochran
WHAT: Sound off: birth control should not be distributed at student health
WHEN:
LENGTH: 500-700 words

POINTS:

People go to the doctor when they’re sick.
If you’re a girl, sometimes you go to the doctor to get Pabst beer, or a pap smear, or
something like that.
What girl have you ever heard of that goes to a doc in the box for birth control? None of
them. They go to their gyno. It’s a matter of efficiency. If you have a lung problem, you
see a pulmonologist. If you have a heart problem, you see a cardiologist. If you have a cunt
problem, you see a gynecologist.
So I’m sitting in student health the other day, sneezing my friggin eyes out and coughing up
green oysters wondering what in the name of great Zeus’s beard is taking so long. I’m just
trying to get seen and have this purulent mucus extricated from my hacking body.
Half an hour later, I finally see some movement stirring from across the waiting room. A
nurse exits with about half a dozen girls, all grinning from ear to ear, bubbly and giggly as if
they just scored their first alcohol purchase with a fake id. In their hands they carried what
seemed like a solid 36 month’s worth of birth control.
First of all, not even porn stars need that much birth control. Second of all, do you mean to
seriously tell me that I’ve been sitting here in misery for the last half an hour just so that this
gaggle of preemie sluts could get a free pass on harlotry?
Go read your Redbook in the lobby of a specialist while you get a mani as you wait to get
your hatchet wound inspected. Leave student health for those of us that are in actual need
of medical attention.
Look, this is a university—an ivory tower of academic prowess. We don’t need to be
handing out birth control left and right especially from an on campus location. This is a
bastion for the intellectually competent. If you find your talents to lend themselves to a
more base and carnal nature, perhaps this just isn’t the place for you.
I don’t take issue with sex mongers. They serve their place. Hell, according to the bible, it’s
the oldest known profession on earth. So you sultry sex fiends are clearly established, but
this is a place of higher being. Please take your gaping holes elsewhere for medical services,
and leave the real health issues to those that actually belong on a college campus.
Source: www.wikipedia.com
Source: www.dictionary.com

If you could create something to represent both sides, that would be wonderful. This will be due Wednesday at noon, if you can do it. If not, please let me know.

Thanks!



The Edited Version…

Ben Cochran

With this rampant cough going around, I found myself excruciatingly conscientious of the breaths I inhaled as I sat in the lobby of the Student Health Center. Petrified of my pending diagnosis, I contemplated the assured aggravation of my condition from all the sneezes, coughs and airborne pathogens that are overtly fornicating in the overwhelmingly packed waiting room.

The simple fact of the matter is that people go to the doctor when they’re sick. However, if you’re a girl, sometimes you go to the doctor to get Pabst beer, or a pap smear, or something like that. What I find to be horrendously incongruous, however, is the fact that, all other health concerns aside, you shifty females would brave this contagious gauntlet for a meager prescription’s worth of birth control.

What girl have you ever heard of that goes to a doc-in-the-box or walk-in clinic for birth control? None of them. They go to their “gyno.” It’s a matter of efficiency, as well as personal safety. If you have a lung problem, you see a pulmonologist. If you have a heart problem, you see a cardiologist. If you have a lady problem, you see pest control or a gynecologist. Women, or rather all students, should seek help from specified professionals.

Many women still feel stigmatized by getting birth control. They feel that people judge them and automatically think they are having copious amounts of sex. Rather than run the gauntlet of premature assumptions at Student Health, many women prefer the safe confines of an OB-GYN.

As a male, I have never really been aware of this predicament until recently. As soon as I became aware of this problem, I couldn’t empathize at all because I had already made the connection to how I am inconvenienced by it.

Case in point: I’m sitting in the Student Health Center the other day, sneezing my eyes out and coughing up green oysters, wondering what in the name of great Zeus’s beard is taking so long. I’m just trying to get seen and have this mucus-extricated from my hacking body.

Half an hour later, I finally see some movement stirring from across the waiting room. A nurse exits with about half a dozen girls. In their hands, they carried what seemed like a solid 36-month’s worth of birth control.

First of all, not even porn stars need that much birth control. Second of all, do you mean to seriously tell me that I’ve been sitting here in misery for the last half an hour just so this gaggle of girls can get a regulated period and avoid babies?

Go read your Redbook in the lobby of a specialist as you wait to get your lady-bits inspected. Leave Student Health for those of us that are in actual need of medical attention.

Greenville has plenty of places to fill prescriptions. Hell, there’s a Rite Aid on every corner of this town. The entire west side of Greenville is filled with specialized doctor’s offices. No need to clog up the Student Health Center just for birth control.

To let the East Carolinian know how you feel about this piece, and to visit their website, click the link below…

http://theeastcarolinian.com/?p=1138

To let the writer of the article know how you feel about this piece, and to visit his facebook, click the link below…

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=12618795

Here he is in all of his glory!

Ben Cochran

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    Gotta Love ECU. Yes- This really was published in my University’s Newspaper.
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